A Conversation with Satan

"WHATT??!"

"Well you see, Asmodeus, I thought that we could like lead a revolution against God."

"Are you out of your freaking mind Lucifer? Look, by definition, God is all powerful right?"

"Well yeah, but I thought we could like hit him when he's not looking."

"He's also all seeing moron, how the heaven are you going to organize a rebellion without him knowing about it? And oh, by the way, why are you coming up with this insane plan - you must be stupid or suicidal or both."

"I, uh thought that it would be fun to be God."

"Stupid. Look, obviously you can't be God and you can't win this fight. Since God made you, looked after you personally, provided all your education and environment your demented, twisted view of this universe can only be the result of a devious plan for your own destruction or an incredible mistake on the part of God."

"Mistake?"

"So God couldn't read your mind, follow your motivations or even notice that you weren't happy with your current position. Let's ignore the fact that everything you are right now is a direct effect of God's own environment. Oh, by the way, did EVERY angel you speak to agree to this insane idea - if so are they all stupid or suicidal and if not why didn't any run to God to warn him - as if the omniscient creator of heaven and earth needs his own creations to tell him what's going on."

"Well, I just lead them and they follow."

"Okay lucifer, I agree that free will is a total crock. Your will is free only in that you are not forced to make any decision but all of your decisions are absolutely the positive, unerring result of your brain programmed by genetics and envrionment. You are not forced to make the decision but it is 100% predictable in the same way that a billiard shot at a pool table, no matter how complex, is 100% predictable. Although I concede that free will is bunk the whole excuse for you being allowed to perform a revolution is that God gave you "free will" to start the revolution - were you the only one allowed this decision? Were your underlings denied free will?"

"Well they all have different personalities."

"Yeah, personalities. Personalities are tools used in herd or pack animals to successfully integrate into a living social structure. It assumes that there are more powerful, less powerful. It assumes wants, needs, common goals, appetites, aversions but all angels are supposed to do is worship, right? What kind of personality does that take? Couldn't He create oh, rocks to do that? If angels are suppossed to do other things, what? God can't be lonely because he doesn't have glands, hormones or an organic brain - he can't miss integrating into a social structure any more than a spider would because He doesn't need to; He wouldn't have parental instincts anymore than an amoeba would because He doesn't reproduce; He doesn't need help with anything because that would assume that He wasn't All Powerful. In summary, what the heaven are we here for?

"Well I'm here to cause revolution." (running off to battle)

"Obviously."

Later.

"Well that didn't go at all well, Asmodeus."

"Well, duhhh. So, why didn't God just vaporize the lot of you?"

"I have no flippin' idea. I think there's some law or something."

"Law, look Lucifer, God planned your rebellion and now he has something new for you to do. Or why do you think he cast you guys onto the only planet he has decided to create life on?"

"Oh, yeah, we really hate human life for some reason and we can't wait to cause humans to commit adultery and work on the sabbath and eat too many in between meal snacks."

"Is this what its come to Lucifer? You were an archangel (or something) planning an ambitious albeit stupid rebellion against your creator and now you've decided to become something of an anti Santa Claus. What could POSSIBLY be your motivation?"

"I'm jealous or angry or something."

"Since when did you grow glands, hormones and an organic brain? To begin with, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc are all HUMAN emotions with the purpose of drawing up enough adrenalin to deal with a specific situation - when did God issue you adrenalin? Your motivations should be based on a slightly more intelligent goal - either total rebellion, total surrender or total reconciliation -wasting your time and energy on tempting people into gambling and drinking too much really seems stupid."

"Well I want revenge."

"Have you given half a thought as to why God puts up with it? Why doesn't he just clear you guys out or move the humans away - you're either his puppets or He's not nearly as smart or powerful as everyone thinks."

"He can't because I got Eve with the fruit."

"So, Lucy, God didn't know you were there, didn't know what happened, couldn't forsee what would happen, created the environment, built the genetics, and provided the only sentient influence and then blamed the humans for their actions. Either REALLY DUMB or REALLY PLANNED. Let's say you built a room, made everything in the room from scratch, grew a couple of people from scratch, provided all the education, environment and influence - WHO would be responsible for any action they performed - YOU WOULD BE!"

"You're right, my whole existence seems pointless, I'm either a foolish mistake or a devious puppet. God uses me for the evil he needs to happen to people on earth. But then why use me, why not just do it himself?"

"He doesn't need you, people need you. They need someone to blame when they see serial killers, earthquakes, car bombs and child molesters. Surely such pain can only be caused by some inhuman force and it can't be from their good fairy God who grants their wishes and consoles them in times of pain - it must be from that evil Loki god, Satan, who works against God's will and spreads pestilence and death on earth for who knows what reason. People need an evil archdemon, not a cold, impersonal biosphere grinding out impassionate disasters that further cleanse the gene pool."

"Well, I've always got my job as accuser. Oh, yeah it does seem kind of stupid for a being with perfect knowledge to need me to point stuff out, huh?"

"Now you're catching on.""