What if God worked at a daycare center?

TA: Uh, you just mashed Jimmy's head in... Why?

God: He was wearing a red hat and I do not allow red hats.

TA: How about, oh... talking to him rather than murdering him.

God: His death will be a lesson to others who dare to wear red hats.

TA: Well, gee God how the heck are they supposed to know that it wasn't your henchman.. uh I mean enemy Satan whom you seem to allow in here to do whatever hewants.

God: They can read my words in my Book.

TA: Look, God, first there are about a hundred Books out there and secondly the two or three that most of your kids read are translated from texts so ancient that there is no chance that the full meanings would've survived. All the books are filled with apocrypha, inaccuracies, contradictions and cultural singularities that no one could possibly understand. Rather than being comprehensive, understandable guide books, they are all meandering, amorphous prose with little tidbits of information sandwiched in between stories of mass murder and genocide.

God: My sheep know my voice.

TA: Well, look, even one of your favorite students, Peter, couldn't hear you and had to draw lots to make decisions - what chance does Tommy, Greg or Lisa have? Besides if we start making judgments based on voices in our heads then I think we'd better stop handing out thorazine to the Schizophrenic - they must be ahead of the rest of us.

Look God, this isn't working out - I think you'd better look for work elsewhere.

GOD AS A LIFEGUARD

HLG: Uh... God? You just killed Manuel - why?

God: He was wearing inappropriate swimming attire.

HLG: I think he would've conformed to the rules quicker if you hadn't written them in ancient greek and then allowed a dozen other people in to write their own version of the rules.

God: He should've had faith then...

HLG: What the HELL does that mean? He should've randomly accepted your belief system over everyone else's? Look, when I run the pool everyone knows that the pool manager put up the official signs - no one else is allowed to. They're written in plain english and placed here on the wall for everyone to see. 99% ofthe people follow the rules and when they slip I yell at them and they usually snap into line.

God: So what you're saying is that instead of killing people because they didn't follow a random set of rules written in an archaic, dead language; I should've just written the rules for everyone to see and personally guided the group if they started deviating... Huh, why didn't I do that before?

HLG: Well, probably because you don't exist...

God: Oh yeah.