I saw this story on a messageboard and I just couldn't avoid answering it. It was cloying, sickly-sweet, emotionally manipulative and made no sense at all if you thought about it! This story shows Jesus as thoroughly impotent before the arch-supervillain Satan, Jehovah is missing - apparently blameless and again, humans are depicted as the despicable, vile things that Christianity sees them as.
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.
Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak...
"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?"
"Just some old birds," came the reply.
"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."
"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them." The pastor was silent for a moment.
"How much do you want for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he as gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"
What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"
"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much? He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price. The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the pulpit.
My Turn...
One day Satan and Jehovah were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.
"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"
"Well yeah, they're stupid but they were under my care. Why did I let you get away with that?" Jehovah replied.
"I really have no clue." answered Satan scratching his horns. I really thought you were all powerful and all knowing - I would think you would've seen it happen and stopped me."
"Yeah - I guess. Can you remind me why you're still alive and I just let you do stuff like this?" Jehovah wondered.
"No clue again." came the answer from the perplexed devil. "But hey, I somehow got your prized creation out from under your omniscient nose."
So, What are you going to do with them?" Jehovah asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"
"That just sounds like nature - you know chimps, stags and bears fight each other for territory, fight for mates and some even find ways to intoxicate themselves. Were you involved with that too? Oh and by the way do you have any relevant motivations or are you just a badly written, anti-Santa Claus?"
"Well yeah, no - hey stop confusing me!"
"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jehovah asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"And I'm just going to let you do that?" The perplexed creator of all time, energy and matter asks. "So, let's pretend I would have to pay for my property in my universe... How much do you want for them?"
"Oh, you don't want those people. They hardly scream at all when you kill their women and children. Heck, when you rip the babies from their mother's arms and dash their heads against rocks - gee the crying and moaning just isn't fulfilling enough for a sadist of your caliber."
"How much?" He asks again.
Satan looked at Jehovah and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
"Gee, I don't remember making a contract with you." Jehovah answered. "I may be so incompetent and neglectful that I actually created all the devices that would certainly damn humans as a species. Yet if I want something I don't whine about it - I just kill for it! I killed Job's family! I killed the first born of the Egyptians, I killed most humans during the flood and now I'm going to kill you!"
"WHAT!??" Satan recoiled, what about THE LAW!
"WHAT FRIKKIN LAW?" Jehovah sneered. "Why in frack would I make laws that I would know would limit my own power and would require violent, bloody death to satisfy? THAT IS IDIOTIC! Why would I make a contract with a supervillain that has nothing to offer me? THAT IS IDIOTIC! Why would I feel no compunction about taking thousands of human lives but have a problem getting rid of YOU, THE BASIC PROBLEM? THAT IS ALSO IDIOTIC!"
"Maybe because you don't exist."
"Oh, yeah."
And with that the two malevolent powers evaporated leaving the humans free to live for themselves.